


John Mulaney Finds Hamnoir

by appending_fic



Category: Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: Fake Routine, M/M, Meta, Stand Up Comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-10-20 15:12:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17624759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/appending_fic/pseuds/appending_fic
Summary: People have questioned what John Mulaney might say about Hamnoir. This is a thought.





	John Mulaney Finds Hamnoir

“So, I was on twitter the other day - no, you can stop groaning. Twitter isn’t as bad as you think - it’s **worse**. But if you’re very careful, you can cultivate your experience so all you see are cute pictures of animals and only the occasional Nazi.

“So I was on twitter. I don’t know if you know this, but I was in a movie recently. You might not have noticed, because it was an animated movie, so you didn’t see my face. Working on an animated movie is weird. In a normal - in a live-action movie, they’d sit me down next to Sir Patrick Stewart - this isn’t implying that I’m a good enough actor to star in a movie with Sir Patrick Stewart, but sometimes casting directors want to get a hip young name in their movies and for some reason that includes me.

“So they would sit me down in front of Patrick Stewart and say, ‘John. We need you to pretend that Sir Patrick Stewart just killed your wife.’ If I’m lucky, I might have just watched them film the scene where he **did** kill my wife, so I can pretend - or **act** \- better. But there’s a good chance we’re filming that scene next week, so it takes a minute to get in character.

“Animated movies, though, they put you in a booth and give you a script - if you’re lucky - and say, ‘John. We need you to pretend in this scene that an animated refrigerator voiced by Sir Patrick Stewart just killed your wife’. So there’s this whole extra level of pretending in there.

“But this is not a discussion about animation versus live action - although I think we can all agree the worst is when you have CGI characters in a movie, and you are asked to pretend that this guy dressed in green and covered with little white balls is in fact a giant bear voiced by Sir Patrick Stewart, who you are supposed to fall in love with.

“So I was in a movie - it is called ‘Into the Spiderverse’, which is not as horrifying as it sounds. It is a movie in the long-running ‘Spider Man’ franchise, and answers the question all of us have been asking, namely, how is it that both Andrew Garfield and Tom Holland can be Spider Man, by explaining that across a thousand universes, different kids keep getting bitten by radioactive spiders and have their Uncle Ben get killed by a petty criminal, which is one of **several** reasons I am glad my name is not Ben.

“In this movie, I play the voice of a character named Peter Porker, who goes by the superhero name ‘Spiderham’. The character is an intelligent pig - I’ve heard a lot of people claim that pigs are very intelligent, which I do not want to argue about, because this is one of the things that people who believe it are **very** passionate about. But **this** character - Spiderham - can **talk**. He can save the world from evil. He probably has a mortgage - well, not a mortgage. A lease, probably. With the exception of Iron Man, superheroes cannot afford nice things like houses, especially with how much they spend on spandex. Anyway, you can tell the difference between Spiderham and a normal pig because Spiderham walks on two legs and has hands.

“I know about this because when I got the job, I looked this character up on the internet, and discovered he is not a bipedal pig who got bitten by a radioactive spider, but a spider who was bitten by a radioactive pig.

“I see some of you look **very** confused, and trust me, this is just how comics are. If you ever watch a movie based on a comic book and try to look it up on the internet, you will discover that there are some **very weird things** they did not put into the movie. The worst thing you can do is watch one of these movies with a real comic books fan - sorry, a real **male** comic book fan - who will try to explain all of this to you while you are just trying to figure out why Josh Brolin thinks the best solution to overpopulation is to kill half of everyone every couple of years.

“So, I play this anthropomorphic - I have learned ‘anthropomorphic’ means any animal that walks on two legs and is as smart as a person - like Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck, but not Pluto. Scooby Doo is, apparently, a grey area - pig in the movie. There are several other Spider Men - Spider People, because one of them is a girl named Gwen Stacy, and another a girl named Peni Parker. One of these Spider People is Spider Man Noir, who was played by Nicholas Cage, and is a hardboiled detective who punches Nazis.

“Oh, okay, I heard that. I want everyone who just made that noise to raise their hands. Okay, everybody, when I am finished with this story, you are going to worry that I have made this story up, and you can find one of these people with their hands up after the show, and they will confirm this is a real thing that has happened.

“So, some people who saw this movie decided they saw chemistry between Spiderham and Spider Man Noir, by which I mean romantic chemistry. They are talking about it, have drawn lots of pictures, and put it up on the internet.

“Now, I want to be perfectly clear what I am saying here. What I am saying is that it is not difficult to find pictures of this anthropomorphic pig and this human detective kissing. And I will admit, as I think all of us are thinking, that this is **weird**. But after a **lot** of thought, i realized these characters are all adults. And after a lot **more** thought, I realized, this is sort of sweet.

“These people watched this movie, and decided they wanted these two characters to have love. And because the unattached female characters in this story are like, sixteen and **twelve** , they looked at these two and tried to figure out how they could make each other happy.

“And that’s endearing, that people are so attached to these characters that they want them to find happiness with each other. And absolutely **amazing** that the internet allowed these people to find each other so they can **share** in this. So I want to take a moment to appreciate how **weird** and **wonderful** people are, that this is a thing that happened.

“But if you go looking for this, **please** be careful. Some people can get **very explicit** about their feelings on this subject, and there are things you cannot unsee.”


End file.
